No Recipe and No Goodbye

It’s amazing to me how a single moment, decision, or breath can change the course of not only your life, but every single person who loves you. How if one person doesn’t take the time to think about the repercussions of a seemingly simple decision, it can turn a friendship or a family upside down.

I received any apologetic email from a friend the other day. One full of hope to rekindle a friendship. It stated, “I’ve started this email many times over, but it always comes back to I just don’t know what to say.”

Over the last 3 months, I’ve been doing the same. However, not with the hope of a rekindled friendship. My thoughts have been of my brother, who very recently lost his battle with cancer.

In the last 3 months I’ve seen my family fall. Simultaneously apart and together. There is nothing in life I value more than them. Nothing I would sacrifice more for. Nothing I would fight harder for. Throughout the years I have found the foundation of our family lies in the unconditional love my father provides. While we may not appear to be as close as some father/daughter duos, he has never let me down. Whether its come in the form of a shield-you-from-the-pain-of-the-world hug only a father can provide or a bonafide kick-in-the-ass, he’s been there. His love has taught me more than this blog has the capacity to hold.

My brother wasn’t perfect. He was packed full of flaws and imperfections, as we all are. In our attempt to say goodbye, my father confessed that my brother was a better father than he ever was. While I know just how big those shoes are to fill, I understood what he meant. My brother excelled at what matters the most. He was the kind of parent I someday hope to be. And it breaks my heart that someone, who was perfect at the one thing in life so many are deprived of, has been taken from my niece.

I’m struggling to find the meaning in this tragedy and hope that as we search, we will find a way to instill her with the values he had so eagerly intended. I’ve started to write this post a hundred times in the last 3 months and just can’t find a way to say goodbye. So I’m not gonna.


3 Comments Add yours

  1. Maysie says:

    Oh my gosh, Marnie…I had no idea. I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful post…It brought tears to my eyes and the need to give you a giant HUG. Love and hugs, Maysie

  2. Katie says:

    Beautiful post! Love you!

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